Saturday, January 21, 2017

This is Good Bye.

Donald Trump is literally, officially, "is this real life?", the actual 45th President of the United States of America.

I just can't take it. I'm going to riot and join the revolution, and tweet that he's not my president, and cry about it instead of actually doing something about it. Like actually joining my community, caring about what happens, enter the political field and make the changes you want to see. Look at Trump's cabinet, those guys were tired of paying senators and "hoping" they got their way, now, they keep their money, and get their way. Drain the swamp indeed.

This isn't a political post in any way, shape or form, I'm just following up my last pre election post with some commentary. For the record, I voted for him, and you may think of me what you will, I don't care, but I will explain for my own peace of mind, not for your acceptance. In the simplest of terms, I thought he would win, but I knew it would not because of me. He didn't win my state, district or even town, and apparently, he did not win the popular vote, so in reality did my vote even count because the majority of my neighbors for around 500 miles went blue. With that said, I understand everyone's fears and anxiety in regards to the new POTUS, and I hope your fears are subsided over time, and that he makes this country great for EVERYONE again. Obama sold you HOPE, and you bought it in bulk, now you should spend it on HOPING this guy doesn't fuck it up. No refunds.

I voted out the monsters that you don't see, they are always the scariest.


Now to my actual good bye. It is I, The Salmon, and I, The Salmon, am leaving. This is the final blog post...because the original Salmon is dying, not in real life, but the angry place I used to come from is dying, or really dead already.

What started out as a therapeutic exercise, not to blow my brains out, in 2008, from depression, from fear of the future, from anger, from whatever...this blog started out as a bad place in reality, a place where I could spout whatever bullshit made me angry from Dane Cook and his movies to Whole Foods to the 2016 election, and I only had 30 posts over 8 years, so I guess this blog actually did it's job. I felt better, coped with whatever was really going on, and oh yea, I met my wife and things were slowly changing without anyone really knowing, especially me. For those avid readers (or current binge readers) of this blog, you might have noticed gradual changes of tone to my writing, it was all her fault. Eventually, we were married, we were parents, and, now, we were floating around waiting for things to happen, not sure what we were doing. Happy, but anxious. Anxious, but scared. Scared, but hopeful. Questions marks everywhere with not enough answers to go around. The roller coaster of life was real, and we were riding it. Well, without explanation, we have safely gotten off the roller coaster and are now able to enjoy the entire theme park of life for the foreseeable future, we can always go back on the coaster, but for now, we'd just like to check out the kiddy section for a while. We are as hopeful for things as ever, we, or at least me, are the happiest we, or at least I, have ever been. My wife, single handedly, made it all happen.....and she didn't have to sell herself.

Saying good bye to this is weird, because no one actually reads it, and it really is cathartic, and I do enjoy hearing the little feedback that I do get. This will post with no fanfare, no promotion for clicks, just show up...and to warn you, one day, this entire blog site of the Salmon's musing will disappear. All writings will be printed and kept in a safe, and they are to be read at my funeral. (Not Kidding)

From The Salmon Says, other writing projects have emerged, and the Salmon will be back in one form or another or 2 or 3, it will be in the form of something new, and different, and under a pen name, and you may not ever know that its me. Some of my future writing will be in an actual book form that I can guarantee will be nothing like The Salmon Says, I will have some things in the digital world as well, but again, nothing like The Salmon, so the Salmon is dead. It is time for me to leave this little corner of the internet and move back into the analog world. Some parting advice, the real world will always be real, meaning what is physically in front of you is really all there is, not what you are looking at through a 4 inch amoled screen of other people's highlighted moments. Live every moment like someone else is looking at your life through the screen, except don't fake it like 99% of those "fitness"models on Instagram. Live a real life. When my kid gets home from school, I want the question to be, "Can we go outside and play?". When my kid is a little older, and asks to stay out a little later, every now and then, I'll say yes, just so my kid has those memories. Real life memories. I don't want my kid growing up wearing VR goggles while sitting in my basement for hours on end by herself talking to some 10 year old in Tokyo about a fake, digital world. I want my kid to be the adventure....I want to be the adventure, so should you.

As always, follow me on twitter @thesalmonsays, eventually that will be rebranded into something else. For the handful of constant readers, I thank you for the support. Hopefully, I'll see you in real life. For the people that hate me and read this, thanks for your time. Time is the most precious thing there is in the world, we never know when we will run out, thanks for wasting yours on me.

Signing off,
The Salmon

At this time, I ask that you turn your speakers to a reasonable volume and play the below video.

Friday, November 4, 2016

"Have I gone mad? I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are." - Lewis Carroll

The paragraphs that you are about to read below are the ramblings of a mad man. If something sounds familiar it's coincidence, not you, Mr. Reader, whoever you are. I felt the need to write these paragraphs as a continuous thought train of crazy life awareness fueled by the spirits of God’s beautiful bountiful distillery that some Indian thought up and figured out centuries ago. In case you were like, “What the fuck did I get myself into with this Salmon fella?”, I’m taking about alcohol...get it? Spirits = Booze. Speaking of Indians, they lost the World Series, in the 7th game, 10th the fucking Cubs. And I think they are also losing the Dakota Access pipeline thing as well.  Cubs broke a 108 year curse. Speaking of curses, if you, Mr. or Mrs. Reader is offended by cursing, please turn around and leave. I curse a lot, and I say inappropriate things a lot, I am rude a lot, so if you are offended, I apologize, but leave the fucking webpage, no one is keeping you here to be offended, so get the fuck out….but if you do stay and get offended, well then fuck you, your offense is your fault.
Some of what you are about to read may or may not make sense, I was just typing away with all the thoughts going through my brain. I did not edit or proofread any of this. I do hope one thing is clear, anything and everything written is merely an opinion, not fact, no matter if something is fact or fiction, assume everything is fiction...just like the election.

I think that’s it for my disclaimer so...Enjoy!

Admittedly I do not pay attention to politics because I know it is all literally bullshit, and I am in no position to make a discernable change with my vote. The behind the scenes stuff is what makes the world turn (ie Wikileaks stuff, Snowden, etc), not my vote. I learned THAT when Gore won, but he really didn’t (I know there is more to it but I’m breaking it down in the simplest of terms). Back then I thought to myself, “Man, this shit is rigged” and I still think it is. The fact that the media is controlled by the Government slips past people’s minds because the Kardashians are on. The truth is out there in dribs and drabs but you don’t see it because the left wing channels are saying “These wikileaks things again? Get over it. Donald Trump is a xenophobic asshole.” The right wing channels are saying, “Donald Trump is not a racist, he says what we are all thinking. HIllary shouldn’t have deleted those emails”. Blah, Blah, Blah.
Again, admittedly, I don’t watch the news because (as mentioned above) the news tells you what you want to hear, not the truth. Everything on the air is opinion, not fact, and that’s the scary thing. When a news anchor can say what they think and report it as news, we all lose. There are no more checks and balances in journalism, the good journalists are snubbed out like cigarette butts and pretty blonde ladies are thrown on the screen to distract you from the stupid shit coming out of her mouth.
I saw an ad last night paid for by Hillary with sound bites of all the stupid shit Trump has said on the campaign trail and the tag line was something like “what will your children think?” All I saw was a distraction from Hillary’s camp going with the “words hurt campaign” that has lead this country to its doughy softness of safe spaces and “everything is offensive” attitude. All I could think of was “My kid’s future is fucked!” Then I see all these bleeding heart female “celebrity” (I use that word loosely) types saying “I stand with her” and it’s only because they both have vaginas. And these celebrities are picking up the “nasty woman” thing and using against anybody that is for Trump. Newsflash: Hillary Clinton was called a nasty woman not because she’s a woman, but because she is a nasty person who happens to be a woman. Kind of like, I’m an asshole but not every guy is an asshole. If the shoe fits, wear it, if it doesn’t fit, don’t try to slide it on. Not everyone is like Cinderella, some people are the ugly step sisters, those people just don’t like to admit it to themselves. I just ask you to do your research instead of saying “They’re only deleted emails”, maybe read said emails and see the true Hillary. Remember, these emails were not supposed to be seen, but here they are, and she’s a cunt. Now that doesn’t make YOU a cunt, just her, and I can’t with good conscience vote for her.
Now, that doesn’t mean I am voting for old furby head Mr. Trump either. I just feel, overall, he sucks. I’m not enraged about him not paying taxes, talk to any CPA and they would say the same thing, and do the same thing for you if you had the money. I just think he’s as dumb as rocks and a terrible businessman. He only received the nomination because every other Republican candidate is an even bigger moron. He does “locker room” talk that most people find disgusting. I say most because I know there are a few people who are scared to admit what he said does not bother them. I am not one of them, it doesn’t bother me, so let me explain before you label me as a “typical sexist Trump supporter” because I am none of those things. I’ve been in sports locker rooms, I’ve been in country club locker rooms (believe it or not), and I’ve been in gym locker rooms, and I can’t say that I have never heard something similar to “grab her by the pussy” or worse because the reality is, people talk shit. Talking shit is saying something that you don’t mean to sound cool. I say shit like that all the time, I have said worse shit in my younger days. Here’s the thing now, if I heard someone say they’d “grab my wife/daughter by the pussy”, One of two things would happen: 1) My response would be, “say that again I will knock your teeth down your throat” or 2) I would knock his teeth down his throat. Now in this case, Billy Bush got fired because 11 years ago when this tape was recorded on a “hot mic”, he laughed along to Trump “locker room talk”. I would say a high percentage of guy’s would have laughed along back then as well. Now everything is under a microscope, and everyone has to play “moral” hero.  
Since I can’t vote for Hillary in good conscience, that leaves Trump. Just kidding, I can’t vote for this asshole either. Been bankrupt a zillion times, enough failed businesses to make the entrepreneur in me jealous of all the attempts (I wish my dad would give me a small loan of a million bucks to start a business), says what the crowd in front of him wants to hear, and he’s an orange sexist. He actually sort of reminds me of Freddy Krueger if he had plastic surgery to fix his burnt face, and they stuck on strands of shedded cat fur on his misshapen head. He’s just a nasty man, and I can’t vote for him in good conscience.
So that leaves…some other fucktards that I’m not voting for either.

I remember growing up thinking to be president you had to have a squeaky clean record, now we are left with two terrible choices, both candidates are literally being investigated for heinous crimes. I wasn’t born, but from the stories I’m told and history books I’ve read, JFK was not supposed to be President because he was Catholic, imagine that, nevermind that he was a legendary cocksman, his religious beliefs were the nastiest thing about him (I kid, I kid). And he was shot in the fucking head because of what he hoped to do for this country. Meanwhile, rumor has it that anyone who has dirt of the Clinton’s and really want to change this country for the better, gets shot in the fucking head because it goes against the Clinton’s wallets. Doing some research showed me that a lot of people who have committed suicide close to the Clinton’s are Stretch Armstrong and can shoot themselves in the back of the head…but that’s none of my business. As for Trump, he stiffed contractors, he closed casinos, he failed at a fake university, he has multiple kids from multiple women, he is terrible. But the majority of what he’s done, has been right in front of your eyes for the most part. The Clinton’s bullshit is all behind closed doors. Both situations are scary, one candidate has the balls to say whatever and do whatever, the other says a lot of stuff, and is a cunt, I think the shoe fits on both feet. If you have been watching South Park, they hit the nail on the head (as always) that our choices are a Douche or a Turd Sandwich.
I wish instead of blindly staying with your party, you ask questions and get solid answers. Everyone’s views change with time. In my younger years, Democrats were where it’s at, when I’m sitting in a nursing home 100 years from, I’m sure it’ll be Republican ideals in my head. But as a guy in my 30s, left wing beliefs are good with me…gay folks want to get married? Fantastic, I’ll officiate the wedding. A woman wants/needs an abortion? Let me know if you are okay. I want to see the good in people, and I want to help if I can, and, honestly, if I want too. In my 30s, right wing money beliefs are good with me too. I don’t want my taxes increased to help more needy people, and does that make me a dick, to some people, sure. But I don’t work to put food on other people’s tables, and if that makes me a bigger asshole, I’m okay with that. I work because I have to, I have to keep a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my kids back. I don’t want to my hard work to maintain other people’s lives. Now I am not against food stamps or government assisted anything. What I am against is people who abuse it. When I was young, I had quite a few meals of government cheese and condensed milk, and being embarrassed at the store with my mom who was paying with food stamps, but that was just a period of time….we needed help, we got it, got out of the hole, and then that help went to someone else that needed it. It was used for what it was “supposed” to be used for, assistance, not maintenance. And what I’m doing now, as an adult, as a husband, as a father is maintaining my family, my household, my life. If I can help someone else who actually needs the help, they are welcome at my table. Again, if that point of view makes me an asshole, so be it. I’ve always been okay being the asshole. My friends know that, and they are always welcome at my table. Now, you’ll notice I didn’t mention race because it’s not a race thing, it’s a class thing. Being poor knows no color. I remember my dad telling me stories of the looks he was getting because he was white in a room full of minorities, “He shouldn’t be up in there!”, and I remember I had  go to the unemployment office, again, only white person in a room full of minorities. The lady at checkin looked at me, clean shaven, shirt and tie, “What’s someone like you doing here?” “Like me?”, I said. “Yeah, white.” She had me waiting an hour to let every person who came in the door to go in ahead of me, and said to me, “I’m letting all of them go because you go in there and they don’t have a shot. You white, you getting the job”. Like WHAT THE FUCK? Like that’s rude as fuck but thank you. I did get the job, but like being judged by the color of my skin, sucked. Now please don’t think that is even close to a comparison of what minorities go through. I just saying that it happened to me that one time like 15 years ago, when I got a job in a black neighborhood, and how you guys deal with that shit everyday, everywhere you go, but I get it man, I get IT. I mean you guys have people crossing the street to avoid you, but that one time when I got that job 15 years ago that had benefits, but I know that that feeling of being judged for the color of your And 15 years ago when that job I got over all the minorities gave me dental insurance too, but old lady’s hold their purse tight if you get to close, I understand what you are going through because I, too, have felt it...that one time….15 years ago. Wait?! Did I just describe White Privilege?
Speaking of White Privilege did you know that Chelsea Clinton was handed a $1 MILLION dollar a year TV deal for no fucking reason? Did you know that Hillary Clinton actually holds the secret recipe to sourdough bread in her vagina? I think I read that in the Wikileaks things. Did you know that Donald Trump’s doofus sons are douchey “sport” hunters that go to africa to cut out an elephant’s asshole to wear it as a necklace? Did you also know that there is a secret Trump kid that doesn’t want to ever be found because she's embarrassed by the family name? She’s like Ozzy and Sharon’s other Osbourne kid besides Jack and Miss Piggy. White prive is like a thing, and I understand it and your point of view, but I see it so different, I see it as a class thing, not a color thing. Was my skin color why I got that job, maybe, but what about my attire? Do you know that  I was the only person wearing a button down shirt, nevermind a tie? Here’s the attire based on hireability from best chance to worst: My shirt and tie > Polo Shirt with fake Burberry slacks > Tee Shirt saying NWA logo on it and Jeans with some Js on his feet > wife beater guy with a black eye and bloody Tims. Yeah, the Shirt and tie guy is going to win, so it’s not only about race, it’s class, it’s professionalism, it’s social understanding of what is going on. So white prive does factor in, but that in and of itself is not racist. Now this is only my point of view, I think racism is a simple fix, at least on a one on one level, I judge 3 things when meeting or interacting someone: 1) How do you look? 2) How do you speak? 3 How do you act? Not one thing that you racist fucks think, “Black or white?” Being the minority in any one situation sucks, being the minority “in everyday life” is a different animal.
Speaking of minorities, one is leaving the White House shortly. And I would like to be the first to congratulate him, not only on his Presidential retirement but for making it into the next step of life unscatched. 8 years ago, if you would have been giving me 2-1 odds that he would be Black Kennedy’d, I would have taken that bet. I would hope I lose that bet, but I want money if it happened, but I’m really okay to lose that money. I did not vote for him but I did like him. (Now I didn’t vote for him because I didn’t vote for anybody, you racist fucks thinking that). He seemed nice, he seemed serious when it was needed, light hearted when it was warranted. Good guy, good family, good for them. But do you guys remember when Barry and Hills were shit talking each other left and right years ago? What if all this bad Hillary stuff leaks is actually from the White House because BO wants Trump to win, knowing that he would fuck it up royally, and, with that, running on the 2020 Democratic Ticket, your future 46th but 1st Female POTUS, who happens to be of color, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama. BOOM! You’ve just been COnSpiracy Theoried! (Patent pending game show).

I mentioned moral heros earlier. Moral heroes are the worst kind of people on Earth, and there are millions of them. The white knights of the internet age pointing out shitty things that shitty people did at shitty moments in their shitty lives that ruin person’s current life. Now, that is a broad stroke statement, but it still applies. I’ve said and done some stupid shit in my 30+ years of life, all things pretty harmless by the standards of when they were done. If any of those things I said or did happened today, I would be in jail, dead, or living a completely different life. Now, normally, it would go without saying, some things in people’s past should be brought to light and they should be punished for it. But in today’s world, you need to be very clear with what you say, no more implying, no more assuming. Upfront and clear! ie A Catholic Priest raped a kid, bring that to light and fry his ass, that’s a simple one. A high school kid at his locker says he wants to fuck his Home Ec teacher, that’s not sexual assault or rape, that’s a fantasy that will never happen (at least back when I was in school, it didn’t), and if a different teacher overheard they might say to “watch your mouth” or even bring you to the principal or they might do nothing. Nowadays, since words hurt, that high school kid would be labeled a sexual predator. It is fucking crazy to me.

Here’s a story for you...but first let me lay the groundwork. I have never as an adult hit a woman, I think it’s despicable, my wife can attest to this. I even feel awkward spanking my kid. If you notice, I said “as an adult”, and I consider true adulthood to be 1 year out of college. And, full disclosure, college was a drunken, hazy blur, I remember a lot, and if my memory serves me, I never hit a woman then either, might of “shaked a bitch” (some people might get that joke), but if I am wrong I’m sure someone will point that out, but I digress….I said, “as an adult” because as a kid, I did hit a woman, and the memory is very vivid to this day. It changed everything in my head to “never hit a woman...again”. I was probably 11 or 12 years old, and I knew that to hit a girl was wrong, but I didn’t truly understand it I guess, but I had a “giiiiiirlfriend” at the time who was older, like a few years older, but in the same class as me, and we were at the school yard, and something happened, and she smacked me fucking hard with everyone around to see, I was embarrassed, I don’t think I did anything wrong, and she got in my face about it, and dared me to slap her back. I did. I slapped the ever loving shit out of her. How’s that for equal rights?! Nobody talked to me for a few days, and people avoided me, and it was fun ::sarcasm::. We apologized to each other and stayed “boyfriend and giiiirlfriend” for a little while longer I think. That is the only time that I can recall that I ever struck a girl. Picture this, I was 11/12 years old back then….now, present day, let’s say that I’m running for president, and this girl (I can barely remember her name), has come out in the press stating that I assaulted her and didn’t get punished for it, and then some girl that I made out with at a bar and had a one night stand (at her place) with comes out and says that I raped her, and then some arab guy I punched in the face years ago says I assaulted him for being Muslim, leaving out the fact that it was self defense because he tackled me from behind….see these moral heros stir the pot, act like there are actual issues in the NOW, when they are not, it was a consensual encounter that you were angry about because you didn’t get another phone call, beating that guy’s ass was self defense, not a hate crime. These “moral” heroes see only what is on the surface and public opinion is always rushing to think the worst of a person. If I was running for President, this would be the headline, “The Salmon punches an Arab guy in the face!”, conveniently leaving out that the encounter happened decades ago, was self defense, and not even a police report was filed. Media in every form is just clickbait nowadays, taking one small piece of some moment, and not taking the moment in it’s entirety.  They are moments in someone’s past, moments that a lesson may have come from, moments that changes a person’s perspective, it was a moment. Some moments do last a lifetime, some moments linger for awhile and disappear, these “moral heroes” take away from every moment, not just the moment at hand, but moments that have happened already, and moments yet to happen. Like I said, sometimes moments should be brought back to the surface for all to see (and judge ie that piece of shit Brock Turner), but something that I (or someone else) did or said (especially said) as a child is not what or who they are at present. And to bring it full circle, that is my problem with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and this whole fucking election, these two pieces of shit are doing terrible things as adults, and have been for years and now some “moral heroes” stir the pot of moments for these windbags and everything is coming to the surface...except there is so much shit from decades of terrible things, no one knows what the truth actually is, and everyone goes to the default of hoping for the best of their candidate when their best is fucking terrible.
So who the fuck am I going to vote for? I don’t even know if I am going to vote (maybe I actually have voted already). And I’ve said that out loud to a few people and I have received a myriad of responses, ranging from “yea, me either” to “you are a disgrace to your country”, with a few “assholes”, “dumbass”, “waste of sperm” thrown in for good measure, but the reality is, I’m not going to tell anyone who I voted for, IF I voted for anyone, because of something that I was told/taught many years ago, never speak of politics or religion, once you do, you have an enemy. Speaking of religion, I use to try and bring people over to the darkside of freedom from religion, but I no longer care to change anyone’s mind on that front, because anyone with a half a brain, and that is truly honest with themselves, knows that religion is not a real thing. Same with politics, anyone with a half a brain, stays the fuck out of politics and actually does something with their lives because they know what “really” needs to be done for the betterment of the world, and they know that someone with more power (aka friends) and influence (aka $$$) will make sure that doesn’t happen. So the Elon Musks of the world go into science, the Buffetts of the world go into Finance, the Murdochs of the world go into Business….and funny enough, they wind up with more influence than most, if not all, politicians, President included.
During my lifetime, the role of POTUS was taken on by a no nothing actor in Reagan (R), a rich oil tycoon in Bush #1 (R), a backwoods womanizing hick from Arkansas in Clinton (D), then the oil tycoon’s retarded son W (R),  and a black guy from Chicago (R). Let that sink in for a minute. If Hillary gets in (for 2 terms), 2 families would have been in control of this country for 28 fucking years. Think about that! Think about where we are as a country, 2 families ran/run this country, not the fucking people. Ask yourself, could it really be worse with Trump as POTUS, my honest answer is, I don’t know, but I do know that I want someone that will put this country first, as in it’s citizens, it’s borders, it’s troops, it’s young and old alike, not their wallets and New World Order mentality… I know you are probably like, “WTF, is this a conspiracy thing?”  No, it’s not, it’s just me thinking out loud hoping someone else that thinks like me exists so I don’t feel like a complete crazy person. Now both candidates have said inklings of those things from different POVs, but one let Benghazi happen, they other talk shits and no one knows if he really means it. One may have committed treason and sold 20% of US uranium to Russia for donations to her Foundation, the other is being sued over a fake university where the degree you received was not worth the paper it was printed on. One didn’t pay taxes, the other launders money through a foundation. One wants to keep illegal immigrants out of the country, one wants to take in every refugee. Isn’t crazy that those are the 2 people we, as a country, let in the race? That is why I may not vote at all, and you can call me whatever you want, or think of me however you like, but in this system, all we have as people are our votes. Some people will vote for Hillary simply because she has a vagina, some will vote for her simply because she is the Democratic nomination, to me, that’s just as bad as not voting. Your vote has value. Some people will vote Trump simply because he doesn’t have a vagina, some people will vote for him because who the fuck knows. Your vote has value. Neither one of these fucks are worth my vote.
This election also has me pondering the future for myself, my kid, the country, the world. Is this the election that leads us down the road to dim, lifeless, Blade Runner-esque human existence. Does Biff Tannen actually run the world from his penthouse casino suite? The Cubs won the World Series. Virtual Reality is an ever growing thing. Physical paper money is becoming less and less important because of digital dollar holders (paypal, venmo, etc). The police are going against the citizens because they are trying to protect the land from the Government forced pipeline, it looks like colorized versions of the photo from the 50s and 60s with the cops spraying black folks with hoses and sicking dogs on them. Now it’s rubber bullets and tactical gear, speaking of which, that is still happening today with institutionalized racism, and the media fed us vs them between people of color and cop . We are part of a weird history that the future rugrats will read about and think, “what the hell was going on with those people? Why would they want to put a pipeline for an expiring source of energy where it shouldn’t go to ruin these people’s landscape that they and their ancestors have protected for centuries.” Take that in for a moment, CENTURIES, 100s of years. I really do think the hard reset is about to happen on Earth, like dinosaur style mass destruction. Fireballs from the heavens, acid showers, radiation clouds, and it will take thousands and thousands and millions and billions  of years to recover from. Eventually, a single cell life form will pop up and evolve, and evolve, and evolve and millions of years later some animal will walk on 2 feet, make tools, make fire and the whole thing starts again. Time is a wheel, and it comes back around again, it just depends on how big the wheel is, and we seem to be shrinking that wheel. Science/math time! According  to science folk, the Big Bang happened 13 to 14 billion, with a B, years ago (I’ll use 13 since that's my fav number). That’s 4,745,000,000,000 (that’s trillions) days ago. I’m going to make the average human lifespan 100 years (just for easy math, it’s shorter), that's 36,500 days in a human life, so that will be 130,000,000 (million) human lifetimes ago that the “world was born”. We are literally singular grains of sands on the largest beach you can fathom. We are literally the sands on the beach of reality and time and the galaxy, no no no, the UNIVERSE itself. That’s how fucking little we actually matter in the biggest of pictures. So to me, the only things that matter are the things that I can control, my little tiny world, I don’t want to lose it all just yet so I may actually vote so my tiny little world can stay intact, and I can feel like I “did my part”.
I can say one thing with certainty, this 2 party system is fucking terrible. The president has a limitation of terms, but other places in politics there are no term limits, and if it’s a 2 party system, there is a winner and a loser so it’s always going to us versus them attitude on our own soil, with the peanut gallery being the rest of the countries around looking at us and saying to themselves “Look at those cousin fucking hillbillies going after each other” as all of the peanut gallery’s math and science scores rush past ours, and they are using renewable energy, putting education at the forefront of their futures, and here we are fighting where to put a pipeline for a dying industry, government controlled media hiding the truth, national anthem controversies, religion sneaking into schools, etc, etc, etc. Here’s an idea: Let’s lower our personal taxes, make weed legal, tax it like alcohol, and the billions in tax dollars that come rolling in can reestablish our infrastructure (among many other changes). Another thing, presidents don’t really do shit in 4 years, let’s change that to 6 years, and if they get elected to a 2nd term, that’s only 4 years, so 10 years total. Then those spots where people hold seats for 60 years gets a limitation of 5 years. And every politician that is in the pocket of industry be removed and reminded that politics is a public service, not a way to line your pockets. ALSO, PLEASE NOTE: I have no intentions of killing myself, and I can barely scratch my own back so I can’t put a bullet in the back of my head. If I’m dead, investigate and put together a gofundme page for my autopsy. Yooou’ve been CoNSpriacy Theoried! (patent pending games how)

My biggest problem with this election, and what makes this election really different and more annoying than any other election in my memory….my biggest problem is fucking Facebook. Facebook has made all of our tiny tight knit little communities extinct. Sure I live in the town that I grew up in, but facebook expands your little neighborhood, not just to down the block, but down the coast, down the hemisphere. In a literal sense, facebook makes everyone digital neighbors. When I was growing up, I would only know what my neighbor was up to when I bumped into him on the elevator, but now I know what he had for dinner, with who, where, he has gradnkids, Facebook documents your every move and no one seems to care anymore. If I wanted to know he supported Trump I would have to see his bumper sticker on his shitty car, not see 100 Trump memes a day that he reposts. Then there are the ex co workers and old acquaintances that you happened to “friend on Facebook”. The last time you saw these people was like decades ago, if it were the 80s, you would only bump into them at like reunions and shit, have some small talk and go back to your lives, if you were genuinely friends, you would exchange contact info, and reconnect. But with Facebook, if I got stuck in Jury Duty with you for 15 minutes, we’re Facebook friends for life now. 20 years ago, when Jury Duty was over, you never saw any of those people again. Now everyone is together on facebook. Like I met you once, or I forgot you existed 25 years ago….why the fuck would I friend you on Facebook?..........Did we share homework answers? Ok, cool, how you doing man?.......Oh, you were the quiet girl that sat in the corner that always wore a poncho? I didn’t know you then, or even talk to you then, why the fuck would we be Facebook friends….you know what I mean? I do have to admit, I am guilty of having a few of those types of people on my current friends list, and I am sure they feel the same way about me, “Why did I send this freakazoid a friend request?”....if you are saying that, feel free to unfriend me, I would not be offended. And then there is fucking Instagram, it’s facebook without the written thought. It’s just pictures. If a person went out to eat, on facebook, you would get verbal description, on Instagram, just the visual. What’s really fucked up about Instagram is anyone and everyone can see pictures of everyone else. Go back to 1990, if you wanted to see a picture of a girl, never mind having a digital copy with you at any given moment, you had to be a peeping tom or find dirty polaroids at the train tracks to see a random stranger in their underwear or naked. It was taboo to look into your neighbor’s bedroom and sneak a peek, but now you share a pic with all of your digital neighbors. Privacy is crazy man. No one is alone anymore. Everyone always has a global audience now. But that's the ugly side of Facebook, the good side is pretty cool man, I am facebook friends with people I genuinely care about and I am thankful that I get to see their pictures and they get to see mine because the real world makes everyone busy, and facebook is a beautiful thread that weaves friendships, that thread that hold two sets of lives together. I miss some people that I have defriended on facebook, because before facebook we were the best of friends, I hope they are well, I hope happiness has found them all. Facebook is now everyone’s old wallet set of photos. Facebook is that old small talk to catch up without saying any actual words. You click and think to yourself, “Aww they had a girl, good for them” or “aww that old dog died” and then you move on with your life. Facebook is driving this election, Hillary this and Trump that, Facebook is the Harvey Dent of the real world. Sometimes both sides of the coin make sense even the ugly truth.
This election reminds me of the buildup between wrestlers for Wrestlemania. Think something like those crazy Ultimate Warrior promos that are going viral all over facebook going against the Stone Cold beer spewing era of flipping the bird and punching your boss in the face, sometimes you don’t know who going to win but you would be okay with either guy winning the match because the story will continue, but instead of every Monday night, the real matches are every 4 years. Think about this for a moment, WWE Monday Night Raw is the longest running episodic television show in the history of television. It’s 20+ years that WWE Wrestling has been on in your homes every Monday night, do you know what else has been in your home every night since you turned on your very first TV….the fucking news. It’s been the real world news and Vince McMahon in your home on a consistent basis for the majority of your lives, the news happens everyday, and Monday Night Raw happens with a continuous story on a weekly basis...for the last 20+ years. All of that wrestling leads us to be comfortable with the story of Babyface (good guy) vs the Heel (bad guy), and the crazy thing about the good guy vs the bad guy is that they sometimes “turn” on each other, the good guy eyepokes the other guy, and now you boo him, so now he’s the bad guy. But it’s always the same two wrestlers in the ring, no matter who the crowd is booing or cheering, it’s always the same to physical fellas in the ring. These two wrestlers were the greatest ring performers that would be able to control a crowd’s emotion. The first wrestler hailed from the deep South and went by the name Rusty the Elephant, the other guy relaxed in the West Coast and went by the name of Dennis Donkeydick. For years the Donkeydick and Rusty L went back and forth, eventually a little independent fella made his way to the ring, and went straight into the ring and said “I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message”, and Don “The Orange” Trump punches Rusty right in his dick, and says “I’m taking over this party!” And all hell breaks loose. Donald Trump is literally in both worlds and it’s causing the world as we know it to end. He is like IN the real world news and he’s in the wrestling world that's also been on your TVs forever. Trump is literally a WWE Hall of Fame performer, that leads you to believe he was extraordinary in what he did as a wrestling performer. HALL OF FAME, a continuous storyline thread in the world of wrestling is Trump. AND. In the real world, Donald Trump has been in the headlines for my entire life, literally my entire life. In the real world and in the fake world, Donald Trump is the only person to live in both worlds. BOOM! You’ve just been conspiracy theoryed!
So this wrestling Trump thing has brought me to a final thought….I know who I will be voting for….and if you have read this far along, you really deserve to know! And I will tell you shortly...because I want to thank you for reading so I make you, Mr. or Mrs. Reader, an offer. Send me a message on Facebook with the code word: RAM A LAMMA LAM DING DONG DING to prove you read this and truly want to know who I will be voting for (or have I voted already?) and I will share a drink with you to discuss, in person or on facebook, or wherever because we are friends, Mr. Reader, no matter where you are in this tiny grain of sand on a beach we call Earth, where we know each other somehow and have kinda sorta met before one time 10 years ago and we’re friends on facebook but I don’t really know you all that well so like if you want to send the code word, cool, but don’t feel like you have to, but there is a spot at the table for you because you are on my friends list. But if you read this and aren’t my friend on facebook, that’s cool but don’t like friend request me because I’m cool man and I hope your doing well. Those people are like long distance friendships in the 1980s when people had pen pals and you wouldn’t talk for months or years. But you can follow me on twitter, I’m cool with that, @thesalmonsays, and if you send me the code word there on twitter, I’ll share 2 drinks with you, byob of course. I would like to increase my twitter following from about 60 to 6 million. So don’t forget the code word: If we are currently friends on Facebook, send me the code there. If we are not friends on Facebook, send me the code on Twitter. I don’t need really need friends right now, I don’t see all my friends as it is, but what I do need is followers. I NEED FOLLOWERS, thats reminds me of what a politician would say. I need your votes, aka your follows….wait a gosh darn minute...I want to be President of the United States of America. Just kidding, I want to be left alone and blog about whatever I want, whenever I want with no repercussions, but who knows what will happen when this election is over. No matter the outcome, I'm going to do my damndest to maintain my little happy world for as long as I can no matter who’s in Washington because they didn’t deserve my vote.
PS - Don’t forget the code word.
PPS - You can send me a message on both Facebook AND Twitter for 3 drinks, a friend can be a follower, but a follower can not be a friend.
PPPS - I hope to hear the code word from some of you soon. But not a lot of you people, like I don’t have time to do shit as it is with the time in my day, so I can’t be wasting having a drink with all of you so if you want a drink with me, we can schedule a mass drink up via the internet, and I can tell everyone who it is that I have already voted for or will vote for.
PPPPS - Code Word.
PPPPPS - I am also apologizing in advance for an offensive jokes or statements on my twitter feed, i have less than 200 posts with less than 65 followers. It’s a small audience of almost all strangers and all statements are jokingly tweeted with love.
PPPPPPS - Mr. Reader, if you have read this far, send me a 2nd code phrase on Twitter only. That code phrase is “A squirrel in the dark can’t see his nuts” for a signed penny.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Parents are the smartest people in the world

"As you know, I'm a parent.....and that makes me more special than you. Oh, you're a parent too...well I'm more special than you are and my kid is more special than your kid."

That's what people think have to think, right?

Every time a fuck trophy enters this world, 2 people get smarter than you. That has to be a scientific fact. If not, it should be researched more and proven. Call it, The Salmon Principle.

I never really noticed it until my fuck trophy made it into this world, but every parent feels inclined to put their fucking 2 cents in.  Let me set a scene for you...


Place: Supermarket Check Out
Time: Rush Hour
Players: 2 parents

 Parent 1: (silently places their store bought baby food on the belt) Silently thinks to self "I can't wait to get the fuck out of this store"

Parent 2 chimes in, "you feed your kid that? That's disgusting....i make all my baby's food myself"

::::::::I'm going to give you 3 choices on how Parent 1 can respond::::::::

Parent 1

A) "By golly, you're right. I'm going to return these to their proper shelf and head right to the produce aisle."

B) ignores them and thinks to self "I don't give a unicorn shit what you feed your kid"

C) "Thank you for your unrequested input, now mind your business you hoebag"


If you picked B or C, please go get yourself a cookie, I like you.

If you picked A, you're an asshole, and not that good kind.

Now I need to be very clear, this has nothing to do with what anyone feeds their kids. I don't care if you have boysenberrys sent in from Boise twice a month because that aids in the benefit of toe nail growth. I don't care of you have acai berry powder brought in from Bali. I literally do not give a flying tootsie roll what you force your kid to eat.

What really grinds my that you think people actually give a shit about what you have to say. Do people realize what 2 cents is worth these days.....2 fucking other words, it doesn't mean all that fucking much.

Take your organic jojoba strawberry paste and shove it straight up your ass, and I'll take my apricot carrot slop and go fuck myself. In other words, we'll go our separate ways.


Place: Park
Time: Mid Morning, Weekday (park empty)
Players: 2 parents, 2 one year olds ( a few weeks apart) No one knows each other. Both parents pushing their kids in the baby swings.

Parent 1: "Beautiful kid, how old?"

Parent 2: "Recently turned 1"

Parent 1"They are practically the same age, mine is 13 months, 1 week, 2 days"

Kid 1: "Dada, pooosh me pwease"

Parent 2: "Wow 1 year old and already talking in full sentences"

Parent 1: "Yes, thank you, but he's 13 months, 1 week, 2 days old and his speech therapist spends time with him every day working on words. He's a genius. How about her?"

Kid 2: (burps....then giggles)

Parent 2: "She's not quite their yet"

Parent 1: "You should work on that, you don't want her to be left behind"

::::::Parent 2 responses below:::::::

Parent 2:

A) "My shoe is going to be left behind in your ass"

B) A sarcastic nod and a right hook

C) "Do you have the phone number of that speech therapist ready?"



If you chose A or B, cookie for you.

If you chose C, get the dodo paper because you're an asshole.

I don't care if you have a speech therapist for you kid, it's that fact that you told me that unrequested bit of information. I don't care if my kid is Hodor and you have the best speech therapist, I didn't ask, I don't care.

The other thing that I don't care about, the moment your child was born. Do you know "13 months, 1 week, 2 days" translates to in my head, "I'm a huge fucking douche nugget" you know what you should say, "a year old" or at worst, "13 months....and please cut that months shit at 23 months. If you tell me that your kid is 24 months instead of 2 years old, I'll know that I can't trust you and we don't need to interact any further.


The other thing I can't fucking stand is kid's on a leash, especially the Monkey hugger backpack.

Is your kid running around on all fours? Does your kid shit anywhere he/she wants? Is your child covered in an awkward amount of hair? Does your child bark at pedestrians? Does your kid run away from (please think about your favorite inappropriate/offensive thing here)?

If you answered yes or maybe to any of those questions, it makes you think that a baby leash really is a good fucking idea. Don't get me wrong, I despise any adult that puts a leash on their child, I always said that is the one thing I will not put my child through, having a leashed monkey on a child's back sends a weird message.

But I found a great leash (sans monkey, I draw the line there) backpack on Amazon (hit me up for details), it's the greatest thing that has ever been created.

Now you might be thinking, "Wait a gosh darn second here young man?! You just said you can't stand a kid on a leash"....and you'd be right. I am a human being, and allowed to change my mind. Isn't that what a mature individual would do? Listen to both sides on the argument, and decide that my mind has been changed. I am not a member of the religious community, I'm rational and reasonable, consider my mind changed. Now I may think it's a great idea, but I puke in my mouth a lil bit every time I put it on my kid. I assume it's like an old tough guy dad accepting his son is gay, but it still makes him throw up when his son and boyfriend kiss. The leash/gay butt sex makes the kid happy, and I'm okay with being uncomfortable with the whole situation.

And if you were/are like me and judge every parent that puts their kid on a leash, just keep it to yourself and know that the parent with the kid on a leash already knows that they look like asshats, we don't need the reminder. As a matter of fact, keep everything to yourself, unless you are asked or it comes up naturally in a conversation. Every parent is overworked, overtired and is doing the best they can, they don't need your two cents, it's worthless, but silent judgement is priceless.

On that note, happy day to you all. See you on the flipside, pancake!

Friday, July 17, 2015

I can be your herooooooooo, baby!

Haven't seen you guys in a are you....good, good....I hate small talk, let's get to the juicy stuff....

Call for help....
THE SALMON IS BACK....I haven't done any blogging in a long time (again), but I saw the Bat need me, you need me to be the voice of reason in this PC world. I may not be the hero you want, but I am the hero you need.

Speaking of Heros, Let's give it up for Caitlyn Jenner, being called a hero after winning her ESPY award for courage in sports or some shit. My facebook timeline looked like a shitty 2015 remake version of Westside Story with "The Dipshits (the sharks) vs. The Fuckheads (the jets)". The Dipshits are the folks that think Jenner is a hero for the LGBT community. The Fuckheads are the folks that say she's not and it has to be a veteran, a cancer patient, etc. GUESS WHAT? In the end, you are both wrong because you are both right. Now, you might be saying to yourself WTF....stay with me and hear me out. In all of everyone's stupid statements, the key phrase I see is "in my opinion" and everyone's retort, "weellllll, in my opinion". Fuck your opinion, the fact of the matter is your opinion is good for you and only you. Heroes are an inspiration to be better, be good, to give, to help, to be the best version of yourself. When we are little, it's superheroes and princesses that we look up to as heroes because what the fuck do we know. Little Salmon loved Batman because Batman is fucking awesome, he's got gadgets, an awesome bat cave, costume, a cool car, and he is a billionaire playboy. Then the Salmon got older and realized that Batman is just full of shit. He's an orphaned, single, middle aged man who has an old guy care for him and a boy follow him around. That's when I chose my hero's that I needed and were tangible. That's when I realized the world isn't full of Batmans (Batmen?). It was full of people who were trying to do good with what they had. It was people playing the cards they were dealt, and trying to beat the house. It was parents, it was teachers, it was cops, coaches, firefighters, athletes, was human beings. People find their heroes where they need them. People in the LGBT community find their hero in Jenner. Everyone in uniforms know that people look up to them, they are heroes to someone, somewhere. Someone's hero won an award, someone's hero didn't, who gives a flying fuck!!! They will still be your hero, award or not, so shut the fuck up, and let's all love and hope it ends like Westside Story. ( I don't know how it ended, didn't someone die? I don't know, fuck you). And if you are thinking, "But what about getting award for it?", I say unto you, it's a fucking ESPY, and fuck you. Side note: Does anyone else think Jenner's male opponents in the 1976 Olympic Decathlon are like, "That bitch kicked our asses?!" Let's move on.....

Ummmmm I'm a fucking dad. Yea, that's right bitches, I totally banged my wife...HARD! Being a dad is awesome, weird, scary, and I don't know what else. I have a little person that I have to raise: mind, body and soul. I have to teach this little toothless goofball what's right and wrong and this whole thing with Jenner brings some lessons that I hope to teach her in the coming years and I hope I remember. I want my daughter to know that it's okay to be what you are even if you look like an androgynous gym teacher. I have to show her that as shitty as the world is, it's worth it. Over the years, I've learned everybody has a life philosophy, all of them boil down to one thing, and I think I figured it out. I figured out the meaning of life and it's not 42. It boils down to this...The world gives you a choice: You can be a good person or a bad person? I choose to be a good person,  more people should. Some of you might be rolling your eyes and saying "Yeah Right Salmon! BUT You are an asshole and you know it!" All true, that's what I need to teach her, the delicate balancing of the scales. Being a nice asshole is a pretty good way to go, like Dr. Seuss said, "Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind". You lose some friends along the way, but your conscience will always be clear. Everything is a choice, make the best one. I try to make the best choice every day so that one day, my kid will look at me and think " He's my hero!" And I don't need a fucking ESPY.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

DC Comics, you are terrible!

Sorry I haven't posted in a long while...but...but...there's no excuse. I'm a terribly inconsistent blogger and that will never change. But this is a good place for me to spew my bullshit when something really does grind my gears. An angry Salmon is a better blogger....and the Salmon says....


The only comic property that you own that is worth anything is Batman and is rogue gallery of villains. In 2016, you are going to ruin that to Schumacher proportions when you team him up with that asshole Superman. The thing is, I really wish this was the thing I was angry about....but it's not....I just won't see the movie in the theatre, just like I didn't see Man of Steel or Green Lantern or Catwoman or Jonah Hex or that cinema classic by the name of Steel, and just like I will turn the channel when Arrow or the Flash comes on my TV screen.  What I am angry about is this bullshit...

Now if you didn't read the article link above and you are saying to yourself, "Wow, Salmon, I agree that shirt is offensive!" You are a fucking idiot and what is wrong in the world, go read the blogs that are in the article, because you are an asshole just like those fuckheads, who find "offense" in anything and everything, and gather their pitchforks and other like minded idiots to make a fuss, that is just not necessary.

I, for one, do not get offended about anything. I'm sure there might be something out there that offends me, but right now, I can't think of anything. Do you know why nothing offends me? Because I do not let.  If there is something on TV that I don't like, say like the you know what I do...I change the fucking channel. If there is an article of clothing that I do not like, guess what, I don't buy the fucking thing. Unfortunately, there are people who enjoy watching a family with no discernible talents and became famous because the one with a giant ass blew a d-list rapper. Who am I to take that away from them?

The shirt above is obviously for teens/young adult's/women that choose to buy it. The article has some gems of quotes from other more famous shitty blogs, but my favorite is this one. To quote the spineless asshats in the linked article, "So, for less than 10-bucks you can tell the world the best you're hoping for as a woman is to be some superhero's wife."  

I have a few problems with this statement:

1) They make the assumption that there are people who agree with them. Apparently, they were right and that makes my heart cry, because DC issued an apology. Those blogs have a collective voice big enough to matter and change something so fucking stupid. I guess they forgot about that whole NFL thing from last week.

2) Batman is a superhero. Superman is a superhero. Do you know what Superhero's are? Fake...Fictional...non-existent. You might be saying...What does that have to do with anything?! It has everything to do with it....if my daughter wants to be Batman's wife, good for her! She'd be Mrs. Bruce Wayne and have access to billions of dollars to make a difference in the world, make a difference in Gotham, which also doesn't exist, just like Bruce Wayne.

3) Those bloggers from the article are arguing the wrong point. They are arguing from a single minded point of view, and in my opinion, it's "angry feminist". The argument should be EQUALITY! Where are the "Training to be Wonder Woman's Husband" shirts? Oh, but they don't take that view because it doesn't fit their agenda and false outrage. If it wasn't sold out, I would get my daughter the "I only date superheros" onesie because it's funny and she doesn't know what a superhero is, so it will mainly be for my enjoyment.

The fact that DC comics issued an apology is just pitiful. Since this "news" article has gained traction, I would understand a release of a statement. Something like, "While we understand some (crazy) fuckwads have a problem with this shirt. It is a light hearted take from the point of view of these superhero's fans. If you are not fan, that's okay, move along. If you are, buy it on amazon." Instead, they the 2nd biggest comic publisher in the world, tucked their tails between their legs and apologized for doing nothing wrong.

I wish there was something that I can have "false outrage" about....but alas, I am only one man, with a whooping 5 followers of a shitty blog. It looks like the only thing I am changing is diapers.

Until next time.....

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Fuck Whole Foods....

Do you know why America leads the league in obese fucktards?

Because it's easy and it's cheap...and in all honesty, its fucking delicious!

If you noticed some of my latest status updates, my life has taken a dramatic term for the worst...My wife no longer enjoys delicious treats such as steaks, burgers, chicken, or anything else that had a pulse.  FUCK ME, RIGHT?

As a wonderful husband, I decide to support her in her latest endeavor which I'm sure was brought upon me because of her obsession with fucking Pinterest. So what does one do to start this devoid of taste adventure...go to Whole Foods. Fuck Whole Foods and every other organic hipster hangout. I'm almost sure places like this thrive because of assholes like me who don't know where exactly to start. Once you walk in, you are smacked in the face with healthy bullshit and organic fruits and veggies that are overpriced and taste the same. The whole bullshit that organic people feed are free of pesticides and all that happy horseshit is a bunch of that....HORSESHIT. Do I want to eat poisons? No, so I wash the fucking stuff before I throw it down my gullet, so why the fuck should I pay an extra dollar for a fucking apple if I'm going to wash it anyway? I did see something cool and that I would like to try, a fucking Emu egg. It was like a giant funky colored dinosaur egg that could feed a family of 6, but I'm sure that it probably cost $50 and I would need a hacksaw to crack the fucking thing, but I digress.

They do have some fresh cuts of meat and fish, but that doesn't fit in what we're trying to accomplish sooooo that section of the store is like a giant cocktease so we skip right over that so I don't get angry.

So we make our way around the store and pick up the usual veggie fair: tofu, chickpeas, hummus, veggie "burgers", etc. Then we walk past the juice aisle and she picks up a juice that sounded delicious by a company that I believed was called "Pressed", and for a 12oz drink, the cost was $11 fucking dollars, and people wonder why this country is fat.

As we make our way to pay, I gander at the cart, not much of anything, maybe 15 items and it was over $100. Again, this is why people need fucking scooters at the waterpark. $100 at Shop-Rite and buying the non-organic shit, would feed a family of 4 for the week. The economy is in the shitter, and the 99% can't afford this organic, veggie bullshit so what does any normal human being do, order off the dollar menu because the money goes further, the other problem is most fat asses are lazy sacks of shit and don't exercise but that's not what this is about. I have seen the photos of the Mickey D's burgers that have been left out for years that just turned to stone, but I can really care less about that because the burgers only stay with me for a few hours and slide out the back end before bed. And it only cost me a buck, where my jar of hummus was $6, so fuck Whole Foods....and fuck Trader Joe's too.

Monday, February 4, 2013

People stink...

What the fucking fuck you fucking fucks!?!?

This post will be offensive and covered with if you are offended by that, this post probably about you. So I'm sorry...actually I'm not, fuck you if you are offended.

So it is the day after the Super Bowl, the day where the talk at the water cooler is all about the best commercials since 98% of the people watching the game don't actually give a shit. The news states that company's paid upwards of $4 million for a 30-second spot, what fucking assholes they are, at least in my eyes. The Budweiser horse commercial won't lead to me drinking that shitty beer, and I will continue to think that whoever drinks that shit is a moron. The Oreo commercial, the Taco Bell commercial, and the Go Daddy commercial won't lead me to buy more of that shit or start my own website, but I bet you will because you are a fucking asshole and you follow the masses.

You might be asking yourself, "What the hell made The Salmon so god damn angry?" (But probably not)...The answer is a headline that I saw on Yahoo! today that stated "Did Beyonce flash the Illuminati sign?" REALLY! REALLY? Yahoo! writer you are a fucking asshole and anyone who clicked on it is a fucking asshole as well (myself included). If you know me, you know I love a good conspiracy, and for those who are uneducated in the Illuminati, it is known as a group of rich and powerful individuals that pretty much rule the world and influence the masses. Basically they are the heads of the corporations that spent $4 million in hopes that you would purchase that new truck or Audi. In reality, if they do exist, they may or may not, actually run the world and influence things that actually matter like taking guns out of your hands or keeping taxes on the less fortunate so they can keep the power. BUT since I don't want to be murder, I don't believe they actually exist. Beyonce was "throwing her diamond up" which is for her husband's record label, Roc-A-Fella records who is rumored to be a part of the Illuminati, but they don't exist so he's not. You may have also seen Victor Cruz of the NY Giants  "throw a diamond up" after his TD salsa dance, and some other people throw it up to be cool, so Yahoo! is wasn't the Illuminati sign, do your fucking research and stop grabbing at straws for a story, you lazy piece of shit journalist. 

Which leads me to my next topic, special interest groups in this fucking country. In this case the PTC, or Parents Television Council. I hate you so please read this and get offended. You are now in my sights because of...Joe Flacco. After winning the Super Bowl, TV cameras caught him hugging his teammate and saying "This is fucking awesome!" And he's right, it was if you were a Raven player or fan. To the PTC's credit, they don't blame Flacco and state that it is understandable that he would say that. So they blame CBS, I believe it's been 9 years since Janet Jackson's floppy tit made an appearance  so they need something to harp on to stay relevant. Dear head of PTC, please go jump off a bridge, you over-sensitive fuckhead. Do I have kids? No, not yet...but when I do. I for one will not be a over sensitive scaredy cat. Kids are kids and should be taught by their parents what is right and wrong. When I have a kid, I know one thing I won't be doing is shielding him or her from the real world, the real world sucks and it's not always sunshine and rainbows, when in reality its more like farts and shitty underwear. It's about getting taught a lesson, and remembering that lesson for life. If my kid curses, I will laugh and thinks its awesome on the inside, but I will correct him/her, punish him/her, and move on. Same thing with hitting, its not the TV's fault that my kid hit someone, it will be that little asshole's own fault and he will be punished and taught that it's not something you do. My kid will have Nerf guns and be taught that it is make believe and that real guns are not toys. When I was a little boy, I would say maybe 7 years old or so, my uncle left his gun (unloaded) on his bed when I was visiting and running the house like a jerk. I found it, and I didn't pick it up and play with it. I ran right to him and told what I found, and little did I know that he was testing me and wanted me to learn and I did the right thing...why did I do the right thing because MY PARENTS taught me right and wrong, not some fucking PTC group or stupid religious right group. 

Which leads me to my next topic, Religious groups. You are the worst. I, myself, am an atheist, and I am not here to persuade you to join me on the dark side. I was brought up in the Catholic church, had the water poured on my head as a baby, I was confirmed, and I was even an altar boy. Luckily, I was never molested or anything, but that might be where I learned how to drink and then act sober because lots of wine went missing when I was around. Like I said, I'm not here to persuade you to join me in being a free thinker and always asking for facts, if you want to believe that you do all things through Christ because He strengthens you, feel free, just shut the fuck up about it. You don't want me to talk you out of being a super Christian, and I don't want you to try and take me into believing in something that no one can see (even you). I don't need an "all seeing God" to judge me and my actions and tell me what is right and wrong, I have parents and my own conscience to do that. Believing in God and going to church does not make you a good person, being a good person makes you a good person. Case in point, the Westboro Baptist Church. They are truly living by the good book and believe every word ever written, but by GOD they are terrible people. Saying "God hates fags" and picketing funerals of honorable veterans that die protecting this country and all that means being a free country, which means they die protecting this asshole group's right to say whatever the fuck they want. Being associated with this Christian group, albeit EXTREME group, and their God, is no God I want to be associated with. You know you are a fucking terrible group people when the KKK wants to be nowhere near you. Another less EXTREME example and staying with the Super Bowl theme....another asshole who leans on the crutch of Christ, Ray Lewis. Great football player, yes, and that's the last nice thing I will say about him. If you have been watching football at all this season, you may have seen him crying and praising God and saying that this was all His plan. God's plan apparently was this...Ray Lewis allegedly murders 2 guys 13 years ago, burns his white suit that was covered in blood, throws his 2 friends under the bus to take the blame, they get off, he gets a misdemeanor and pays off the victim's families in a civic suit and all is forgotten  at least in his mind. Now, he doesn't like talking about it but he did touch on the subject of what he would say to the families now, and he said something to the effect that "It was all in God's plan". I forgot to mention that this man of God also has numerous kids from numerous woman, but he is a good football player and Psalm 91 is his mantra so he's a good, no he's not, he's a piece of shit in my eyes so fuck him, and fuck the Ravens.

What this all boils down to is this....just be a good fucking person, learn from mistakes, and don't buy the corporate bullshit that is shoved down our throats. There is a quote from the classic movie, "Men in Black" that goes something like this "A person is smart, it's people that are stupid". So let's not be stupid, and let's all pray that the Westboro Baptist Church picket my funeral because then, and only then, will I know that I did something right.